Counting My Blessing's and being Thankful

Too often, we fall into a mood of self reproach and pity, bemoaning our plight of not making as much money as our private colleagues, or not having the lungs and legs of our friends who appear to swim, bike or run faster than us. We fret about the inadequacies within our lives. Of our kids not being the bright students that they should be and our spouses not as understanding as they should be.

Three days ago, I was cycling 45 km and was trying to get some climbs on the overhead ramps and undulating hills of Clementi, Queensway,  Farrer and Mandai road and feeling frustrated that after 2 months of riding, I still found it as every bit tiring as the first outing. I must admit feeling a bit down; gosh i most likely will end up being bottom 5th centile at the race given my speed and endurance level.

The I went to work and spoke to one of my patients GL( not her real initials). She was a young spritely girl who has just graduated a few years and had begun work in a promising career as a professional and all seemed great and the future was as good as she could imagine to be. She had a great boyfriend and while they have not touched on issues of matrimony, she could really see her married life taking shape. She had some headaches for a number of months and she she brushed it off, attributing it to stress. The headaches did not go away and she began to feel a lot sleepier and tired. She was found a week before christmas by her mother collapsed in the toilet. She was brought to hospital and a brain scan showed a tumour. She told me she could not believe it. What she did not know was that this was a brain tumour in the part of the brain called the brainstem, which is the part of the brain that connects the forebrain to the spinal cord. Its a critical part of neurological real estate and its where the brain fibres cone down from the numerous centres of the control through a narrow passageway as they pass to subserve their various functions in the body; sort of like a neurological Kyber pass. There was also the matter of swallowing control, heart rate and blood pressure controls and breathing control centres within millimetres of the tumoour. If you think this is bad news, the news just got worse. This is a tumour of blood vessels and to make surgery more complicated was the fact that she could bleed to death.

I laid the facts bare for her. She had by then been put on the ventilator as we were worried she could stop breathing. I watched her eyes widened , then lowered in abject depression. The operation was going to be a very long one and carries a signifiant chance that she would never wake up or be completely ventilator dependent and disabled, paralysed from the neck downwards. She fought back tears and asked to be alone. She called me back to the room after 15 mintues and wrote in a notebook that she was going through the operation and for me to speak with her ageing parents to allay their fears. I operated for 12 hours and finished at 1 am and it was a difficult procedure.

She awoke and it took us a full 3 weeks to get her off the ventilator. She was still weak and it will be months before she will be able to walk. In the morning I saw her and she never failed to be me a weak smile and a half formed thumbs up. She would write " I am getting better!" complete with the exclamation mark.  Her strength of spirit was indomitable. She refused to back down. I look at her and know that she will take a long time to regain full ability if ever and then she will have to pick up the pieces again. The hospitalisation probably would have put a financial strain on her as she is an only child and her parents are old.

"This has been life changing for me doc." she writes. " I have come to value life more and be thankful for every inch of improvement I make because I was going to die without the surgery. Surgery was painful and I have gone through significant moments of trials and tribulations but what doesn't kill me will make me stronger".

It took a young girl's sharing of her illness to remind me of life's mercies and joys. I felt ashamed, while I was fretting about my hapless cycling ability, this girl was fighting for her life. I was grateful she shared this with me. Too often, surgery is about correcting diseased anatomy and we forget occasionally under those blue drapes is a human being with hopes and dreams not unlike ours.